Welcome blogger world! Merry Christmas! My family affectionately calls me Martha Stewart or Martha from the Bible (Mary and Martha story) because I sometimes tend to overthink and overplan things. And worry about useless things. Whether it be cleaning, or planning to clean, decorating, or planning to decorate, I can get a little wrapped up in it. I find myself surfing to www.marthastewart.com occasionally.
But here's the real truth . . . Most of the time I don't have the desire nor the "means" to decorate, cook, or exist Martha Stewart-style. I think she is wonderful and I forgive her for her time away (behind bars). That was just a little oops in my opinion. And I also get much grief about my opinion on that from my family as well. So being the good sport that I can be - here is a little Christmas fun at Martha's expense and mine ...
Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning List
December 1Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug WindowsNT.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Respectively borrowed from this web site - travel here for more Christmas jokes!
Ha! That's fabulous!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing it as part of the blog tour!
Hilarious! And I'm afraid you could be overestimating how "affectionate" your family is being when they call you Martha. ;) (Don't worry, folks, she's my sister so I can get away with that.) Good that you can find the humour in your own over-planning tendencies. But if you're Martha, that makes me Mary - so I'll be sitting in the other room. Holler if you need help reassembling the dog.
ReplyDeleteDoing okay with the dogs - but draining the city reservoir to add mulled cider has been more difficult - can't seem to get permission - where is the holiday spirit??
DeleteI love this and shared it with friends and on twitter! I especially like Dec 31 - "give staff their resolutions".
ReplyDeleteHa! Thanks for a laugh!
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Thank you.
ReplyDelete