Welcome blogger world! Merry Christmas! My family affectionately calls me Martha Stewart or Martha from the Bible (Mary and Martha story) because I sometimes tend to overthink and overplan things. And worry about useless things. Whether it be cleaning, or planning to clean, decorating, or planning to decorate, I can get a little wrapped up in it. I find myself surfing to www.marthastewart.com occasionally.
But here's the real truth . . . Most of the time I don't have the desire nor the "means" to decorate, cook, or exist Martha Stewart-style. I think she is wonderful and I forgive her for her time away (behind bars). That was just a little oops in my opinion. And I also get much grief about my opinion on that from my family as well. So being the good sport that I can be - here is a little Christmas fun at Martha's expense and mine ...
Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning ListDecember 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Lay Faberge egg.
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Respectively borrowed from this web site - travel here for more Christmas jokes!